High-five your demons

Radical disarmament for the difficult parts of your personality

We all have our demons.

My principal inner hobgoblins are anger and selfishness.

Historically, I’ve had two main ways of dealing with these demons:

1. Total indulgence. When I got mad or greedy, I just acted it out, willy-nilly.

2. Shame and compartmentalization. When I noticed a rageful or selfish impulse arise in my mind, I told myself a whole story about what a terrible person I was.

(By the way, that second move is, in Buddhism, referred to as “the second arrow.” In this metaphor, the first arrow is something that happens through no fault of your own. E.g.: somebody shoots you, or the mind coughs up some sort of unspeakable thought. The second arrow is the one we insert voluntarily, where we extend our suffering by telling ourselves how uniquely unfortunate or despicable we are.)

In recent years, I’ve learned a much better coping technique. I refer to it as “high-fiving my demons.”

These days, when I’m on my game and I notice anger or selfishness arising, I’ll say: Welcome to the party. I fully recognize that these are ancient neurotic programs that are actually trying to help me, however unskillfully. So I say: Thank you—but not now.

This is not indulgence, it’s radical disarmament. If you can direct warmth toward your demons, they will often sit down and shut up, allowing the wiser part of your mind to take the wheel.

Today on the podcast, I’m talking to Dr. Richard Schwartz, the guy who developed a form of therapy that has been massively influential in the world, and for me personally. It’s called Internal Family Systems, or IFS. It’s all about identifying the different parts of your personality and creating healthy relationships with them.

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Episode cheatsheet

The big takeaway

In this episode, Dick Schwartz, the creator of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy explains how IFS can help people identify and work with different "parts" of themselves, transforming protective parts and unburdening exiles to achieve greater self-understanding and healing. He also discusses practical ways to apply IFS techniques on your own, even without a therapist.