How to be vulnerable without oversharing

The 15% rule

Vulnerability has become a buzzword of late. Research suggests that openly expressing your emotions, admitting uncertainties, and asking for help can improve stress, anxiety, and even immune function.

But how to be vulnerable without oversharing? Should you be regularly telling everyone your deepest secrets? Isn’t that a bit sloppy?

For many years, David Bradford and Carole Robin taught one of the most popular courses at the Stanford Graduate School of Business called Interpersonal Dynamics— better known to students as "Touchy-Feely.”

They have two practical tips:

First, if you’re considering divulging personal information—especially in a work context—it might be best to make sure that what you’re about to say is relevant to the subject at hand. If you’re in a quarterly budget meeting, it may not make sense to prattle on about how you had to see a shrink when you were a kid because the movie “E.T.” made you sad. (True story about me. Wait, did I just overshare right now?)

Their second tip is called the 15% Rule. (I argued that 10% had a nicer ring, but to no avail.) The gist is that you push yourself 15% beyond your comfort zone when taking interpersonal risks such as discussing your feelings or giving candid feedback.

Clearly, there are people with whom you absolutely should not be attempting vulnerability. A mean boss, for example. But, per Bradford and Robin, there’s a certain subset of people in your life where a strategic interpersonal risk might be worth taking. It may not work, but if it does, you’ve taken a real step forward in strengthening your relationships, your leadership skills, and your courage quotient.

David and Carole are on my podcast today. Paid subscribers can listen ad-free here. This episode is also available with ads on YouTube, Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Episode cheatsheet

The big takeaway

Carole Robin and David Bradford share insights on building what they call “exceptional relationships” through vulnerability and approaching conflict as an opportunity for growth. They provide practical tips for improving communication and deepening connections in both personal and professional settings.

Mastering the art of exceptional relationships: from touchy-feely to transformative