Humor helps—until it doesn’t

The ultimate double-edged sword

As Valentine’s Day approaches, let’s talk about evidence-based ways to deploy humor successfully in your romantic relationship (or any relationship, really).

Personally, humor plays a huge role in my marriage. (Below is a picture Bianca took as I was actively contemplating a wisecrack.)

Often, joking helps to lighten the mood. But other times, it can blow up in my face.

Psychological research shows what a double-edged sword humor can be. On the one hand, studies show that shared humor is strongly associated with relationship satisfaction. As the late therapist H. Norman Wright observed: “A marriage without a sense of humor is like a car without shock absorbers.”

On the other hand, humor can also be destructive, especially if it’s used to belittle or deflect. (Deflection is a particular specialty of mine.) The most dangerous form of humor is sarcasm. Some research suggests sarcastic contempt can actually correlate with increased infectious illnesses. The 18th century poet Charles Churchill once quipped: “A joke’s a very serious thing.”

So how to use humor effectively? Avoid sarcasm, obviously. Focus on shared humor so that both sides are in on the joke. And, as I’ve learned repeatedly, pick your shots carefully, player.

On the pod today, Bianca and I interview two of our closest friends, married Zen priests Koshin Paley Ellison and Chodo Robert Campbell. These guys have one of the most successful unions I have ever personally witnessed, and humor is a huge part of it. The conversation is raw, candid, moving—and also very funny.

Click to listen or watch.

Below, paid subscribers get an episode cheatsheet, which includes key takeaways, time-coded highlights and a full transcript. Paid subscribers can also join the chat, comment on posts, participate in monthly live AMAs, and more.

Episode cheatsheet

The big takeaway

Married Zen priests Koshin Paley Ellison and Chodo Robert Campbell share insights on maintaining a healthy long-term relationship. They emphasize the importance of understanding each other's past traumas, creating relationship "rules", doing individual growth work, and viewing challenges as opportunities for personal development. Their candid conversation reveals how compassion, humor, and a willingness to be uncomfortable together can strengthen bonds.